The Bio Page Skit

(a customer logs on)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to “All About Me,” my personal biographical page.
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was surfing the web and came across this fascinating web site, and wished to discover more about the author. So I followed the link to this page.
Owner: Excellent choice.
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some biographical tidbits, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, how about Town of Residence?
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Employment History?
Owner: I'm afraid that page has been quarantined.  We should have it fixed on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four paragraphs of Pet Peeves, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Previous Girlfriends?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Pets?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the Frontpage is down.
Customer: Ah. GPA?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Hobbies? Sports?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any Medical History, per chance.
Owner: No.
Customer: Marital Status?
Owner: No.
Customer: House pictures?
Owner: No.
Customer: Preferred Reading?
Owner: No.
Customer: Top Ten Movies?
Owner: No.
Customer: Diatribes against Rap Music?
Owner: No.
Customer: Favorite Causes?
Owner: No.
Customer: Height?
Owner: No.
Customer: IQ?
Owner: No.
Customer: Class ranking?
Owner: No.
Customer: Eye Color?
Owner: No.
Customer: Date of Birth?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* a bio, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a bio page, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: SAT?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, GRE?
Owner: no
Customer: Blood Type?
Owner: no
Customer: Aspirations for the Future, Regrets for the Past?
Owner: no
Customer: Political Affiliations?
Owner: no
Customer: Commentaries on foreign vs. domestic beers?
Owner: no
Customer: Gender?
Owner: no
Customer: Dirty Secrets?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Name?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular bio item in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: and what IS the most popular bio item 'round hyah?
Owner: Favorite Elementary School Teachers.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh... Favorite Elementary School Teachers, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir...
.....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a bio page, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by biographies....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Astrological Sign, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got  Astrological Sign?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any biographical information here at all?
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?

(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to delete you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a EMP bomb and fries the server)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of bandwidth.

Made you look, Gil

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